10 Tips for Success in Russia: a few moderately facetious cultural observations.

10 Tips for Success in Russia:

1. Be more than fashionably late. Time is a very different concept in this part of the world. Professors are often fifteen, even twenty, minutes late for class. Students are an exception, unfortunately, and walking in more than ten minutes late is frowned upon. If someone says they'll call you back, they will, but it might be in six or seven hours. The other day, I had to pay my tuition at 2 pm. I got out of class at 1:15, ran back to my dorm, ate cookie for lunch, got all of my paperwork and money, and was high-tailing it to the administration building thinking, "Yes, I'm going to be five minutes early." Then I realized they wouldn't know what to do with me if I was early. Sure enough, I arrived three agonizing minutes late and was offered a chair ... for an hour and a half.

2. If you are a Real Woman, you will wear heels (at least two inches, minimum) at all times. Even if those times require things like walking through broken up asphalt (every day), walking through some sort of mud (every day), walking through trash (every day), walking uphill and downhill every where (every day), you will still wear heels. The brighter and crazier, the better. Who cares if they don't match with the rest of your outfit? They make a splash, and that's what matters (see Tip 7 for more information).

3. Drink tea - all the time. Nothing matters as long as you have a cookie and a cup of tea. However, a cup of tea without a cookie is a preposterous idea, and should never be considered, even as a remote possibility.

4. Do not be disturbed by the color of the water coming out of your faucet. If it's a funny color, that's actually a good sign, because it means something else is starting to work (like the radiators, etc). Just boil it and you'll be fine.

5. Prepare yourself for some terrible television. It is better that you simply have no expectations about this matter. It is devoid of any real content, borderline pornography, and has at least four channels devoted entirely to MTV and the rest to celebrity gossip. Bring lots of books, they're worth their weight.

6. Expect to pay for plastic bags at any store. You Americans take so many things for granted.

7. When getting dressed in the morning, remember this: the purpose of clothing is to draw attention to yourself. Looking 'put-together' is a silly idea. Ostentatious and over-the-top is much more acceptable. I would suggest the following regime for Selection of an Outfit: take a deep breathe and open your closet door. Close your eyes and offer up a prayer to the Clothing Gods. Stretch out your hands and grab 3-6 pieces of clothing. Don't open your eyes yet! Put on the clothes you have selected. Now you can peek. Ah, yes. Perhaps a scarf, to liven it up a bit? Perfect. Now, just for the shoes ... oh, what a difficult choice! No, actually, pull on your favorite pair (no one cares if they don't match, silly goose), but take heed and remember, heels are not optional. Now you're set for the day! March out your door like you have just been elected Prime Minister.

8. Remember what I said about you taking things for granted? Yes well, you take construction crews with flagmen for granted too. Just squeeze through as best you can, don't run anyone else over if at all possible, and try to keep your temper.

9. If you don't want to stand out, I would recommend abstaining any sort of smile or facial expression (exception: looking moderately close to murdering anyone within reach is ok). Laughing is strictly forbidden unless you are a female, age 15-22, walking with a gaggle of your friends. Do not look around or show any interest in your surroundings and fellow man. When you are using public transportation, pretend you are all alone in your private limo, about ready to take over the world.

10. Know where you are going beforehand. Street signs are overrated anyway.

11. Be prepared to take matters into your own hands. Whether this is asking friends for favors, making friends using favors, or bypassing the rules altogether, know that this is the only way things really get done. Eventually, you will train yourself out of thinking the authorities can help in any way. Getting them involved only complicates it more! This is a very personal tip, as I spent a good part of last night disassembling and reassembling my toilet. It had been running constantly (and very loudly) for a day or so. My first thought was to ask the floor monitor about it. Then, I realized that it would involve me explaining the situation to her in Russian, her deciphering my question and calling someone, who would have to call someone, who would probably have to call someone too, and then someone, eventually, would come take a look, and maybe do something about it, and all this time, my toilet would still be running. So, in the Russian style, I put on some dirty clothes, rolled up my sleeves, and got to work. You gentlemen who have experience in the area of plumbing will be laughing at the simplicity of this task, but Russian toilets are a different breed altogether. It took a bit of tinkering, but now it's quiet and behaving properly. Slava Bogu (praise God!)!

Now that you understand these things, you are welcome visit me!