Six days worth of quotes.

We learned about тоже/также in class. They are basically the same thing in English, but not really, and ... indescribable. I have no idea how to explain what they mean. Russians, having spoken Russian since birth, have an innate sense about the words and when to use which. Foreigners are unfortunately not gifted with this understanding.

MONDAY:

Professor: "Today, I'm going to teach you about тоже/также, although I don't know why I'm even trying [what a great way to begin a lesson]. You know, most Russians can't explain how to use them. Most Russian people don't really understand them -- they just use them, and usually get it right. So I don't know how you, the international students, will ever understand this. Ok, let's look at ..."

Her prediction was correct and absolutely no one in our class understood anything in the whole 2 hours she expounded about тоже/также.

[the Russian words for 'cheese' and son' sound exactly the same except for one letter's difference]

Professor: "Peter, where is the cheese?"

Peter: "On the couch!"

Professor: "What?!"

Peter: "My cheese is on the couch!"

Professor: "Peter, where is your son?"

Peter: "My son is in the refrigerator!"

[everyone tries to suppress spasms of laughter]

Eating dinner with a Russian family on Monday night:

Me: "We learned about тоже/также today in class. No one understood it."

Russian dad: "Why are they trying to teach you that? Even Russian people don't understand it."

Russian mom: "Hmm ... how would you explain тоже/также?"

Russian kids and dad: "Uhhhhh ..."

Russian mom: "An example?

[Dad says example using также]

Russian kid: "You could also use тожe there, dad."

[this goes on for a while]

Russian dad: "This is ridiculous. Stop talking and eat your salads."

TUESDAY:

Professor, complimenting Peter: "You write fast, like a cosmonaut!"

Professor asks if anyone has any questions. No one does.

She says: "Only dead people don't have questions!"

Student asks if she may go to the bathroom.

Professor: "I don't want to know where you're going! I don't want to think about THAT!"

[Russians are very awkward about bodily functions]

Then, she lectured us on the importance of oxygen for 15 minutes. We cover a lot of ground and several miscellaneous/unplanned topics per day.

WEDNESDAY:

Professor: "It's Pushkin! You CAN'T read it badly!"

Professor, talking about plastic surgery: "If I had enough money, I could get new eyes, new teeth, a whole new head!"

Eating dinner with a Russian family on Wednesday night:

[as I am being handed a butter-and-caviar sandwich]

"Do not be afraid of carbohydrates! Russians are not afraid!"

THURSDAY:

Professor: "Aristotle was a teacher, like me."

Professor, about lazy people: "Tigers and wolves eat and sleep. Some people are like this as well. They eat food but do not feed their brains."

I was going through the gate at my dorm, and there was a new babushka guarding the door. I've never been asked for ID before -- the guards seem to know us by our faces ... or are too lazy to ask. But she actually asked ... madness ensued ...

Babushka: "What floor do you live on?"

Me: "The seventh." [this is the international students' floor]

Babushka: "You can't live on the 7th floor. You're not Asian."

Me: "I'm the only American."

Babushka, suspiciously, like I'm trying to trick her: "... You don't look Asian ..."

Me: "Argh! I'm not Asian. I'm an American and I live here on the seventh floor."

Babushka: "... Do you live here?"

Me: "YES!!"

Babushka: "Why don't you have a Russian student ID?"

Me: "Because I'm not Russian!! I'm an American!!"

Babushka: "... Not Russian ... Not Asian ... What are you?"

FRIDAY:

Professor, to two Chinese girls whispering during her lecture: "If you're going to talk in class, at least do it in Russian."

Professor, to me after I wrote a sentence with 37 word sentence [we have competitions to see who can write the longest grammatically correct sentence]: "You are the champion of the world and belong in the Guinness Book of World Records!"

SATURDAY:

I started out watching 3 kids and ended up with 8 by 2 pm. A group of Royal Rangers were scheduled to meet at the house and then going to the zoo. One of the commanders showed up early, so we sat and talked while waiting for everyone else to arrive. I was telling him about the woes of тоже/также ...

Me: "We learned about тоже/также in class this week. No one understands it."

Sasha: "Yes ... I guess it's kind of confusing. But it's really easy, when you think about it ..."

Me: "Oh yeah?"

Sasha: "Of course." [he starts to 'explain' ... two minutes later ...]

Sasha: "I guess it is sort of hard." [keeps trying to explain ... five minutes later ...]

Sasha: "This is really complicated. I can't explain this. I don't know how it works. Don't worry about it, Russian people don't understand it either."

While we were talking in the living room, the kids were upstairs playing and being superbly (and suspiciously) quiet. Suddenly all eight of them came tumbling down the stairs, screaming and trampling each other. 

Sasha [eyes growing wide]: "How many kids are you keeping upstairs?"

And a few minutes later:

Sasha: "You're watching all of them?"

Me: "Yes."

Sasha: "Isn't it difficult to make them behave, since you don't know much Russian?"

Me: "Spanking is a universal language."